Dinner Topics for Thursday
Justice & Mercy
Obedience to law, fairness in work and play. An understanding of natural
consequences and the law of the harvest. A grasp of mercy and forgiveness and
an understanding of the futility (and bitter poison) of carrying a grudge.
Introduction
Justice and mercy -- these words seem too abstract, multifaceted,
maybe even too religious for children to understand. Yet when they are broken
down into their simplest form, they are the basic values for every household --
the values around which everything else revolves.
There is both security and unity in the justice and fairness that exists in
the home. The beginning lies in the developing of clear family laws and
providing for repentance and apology as well as for consistent justice.
Perhaps the two most important things we've ever learned in our family about
justice and mercy were taught to us by our oldest daughter as she was growing
up. The first lesson came when she was about seven. We had tried to set up some
"family laws" for her and her five-year-old sister. We had done so
democratically by asking them to suggest laws. We wrote their suggestions on a
list, along with our own and ended up with twenty-four family laws, ranging
from "don't hit anyone" to "don't plug in plugs."
____________
One Sunday seven-year-old Saren came home from Sunday School with a
suggestion. "Dad and Mom," she said, "I think we've got way too
many laws. I can't even remember half of them. I learned today that Heavenly
Father only gave us ten laws! We need to simplify!"
And simplify we did. We worked our list down to five one-word laws that each
child knew and understood; we connected them with natural-consequence punishments,
and we felt that we at least were beginning to teach the value of justice in
our family.
About three years later this same oldest daughter, now ten, reminded us, of
the other principle that needs to go hand in hand with justice. Again it was
Sunday, and again we had just returned from Sunday School. One of her little
brothers had become angry with his sister and pushed her down. We were in the
process of administering the punishment of sending the boy to his room, but
Saren noticed the look on his face, which said he was sorry for what he'd done
and concerned that he had hurt his sister. "You know, Dad," Saren
said, "if someone is sorry and wants to apologize and promise not to do it
again, he shouldn't have to have the punishment. In the Bible they call it
repenting." -- Richard
_______________
Saren was right of course. One reason for repentance is to avoid punishment.
And more is often learned from repenting than from being punished. Our five
family laws now carry provisions for repentance and thus give us frequent
opportunities to learn the two most difficult (and perhaps most important)
skills of life -- namely to repent or improve and to forgive.
This value carries such importance -- and such relevance to our happiness.
Children who learn to obey laws, to treat others fairly, and to be both
repentant and forgiving can largely avoid the bitterness, the grudges, and the
guilt along with the mental or physical imprisonment that are the consequences
of not understanding or living the value of justice and mercy.
General Guidelines
Set up simple family laws. This will help children know their limits and
understand what is expected of them. It is best to do this in two
"sessions." The first session is briefly to discuss with children the
importance of laws. For example, there are government laws about stealing or
cheating or hurting others. There are traffic laws that make it safer to be on
the roads, and so on. We also need laws in our family so that we can be happier
and so that everyone can know what is expected. Then ask the children for their
input. What laws do they suggest? Make notes. Then tell them that you (as the
parent or parents) will work on the laws and hold another family session when
you are ready to discuss them.
After you (as parents) have decided on your family laws, write them on a
chart and hold a second family session to explain them.
We suggest five simple, one-word laws that children can fully understand and
easily remember:
- PEACE (no hitting, fighting,
yelling, whining, etc.).
- PEGS (make a pegboard for
each child, each with four pegs -- one representing family job, one for
homework and practicing (if the child is learning a musical instrument),
and one for evening things (room clean, teeth brushed, in bed on time).
The law is to get each peg in each day.
- ASKING (don't go anywhere,
invite anyone over, etc., without permission).
- ORDER (room straight, pick up
after self).
- OBEDIENCE (do what parents
say).
Discuss how each law makes family members happier.
Establish rewards to go with the keeping of each law and punishments to go
with the breaking of each law. This helps children learn cause and effect and
understand elementary justice.
Enhance the "payday" system for pegs by having a bonus for each of
the other laws they have done well on keeping during the week (peace, asking,
order, obedience). Adjust the payday reward system to match the ages and needs
of your children.
The main punishment for disobedience to the five family laws should be the
absence of reward. On payday praise a child who did well and basically ignore
(rather than chastise) a child who did poorly.
Certain laws also need specific punishments. These should be as close to
"natural consequences" as possible. Some examples and suggestions:
- PEACE: As discussed earlier,
have a "repenting bench" where children who argue or fight have
to sit until they can tell you what they (not the other child) did wrong.
- ASKING: If a child does
something or goes somewhere without permission, then the answer should be
"no" next time to remind him.
- ORDER: Other family members
pick up a child's things and throw them on his bed. He has to put them
away that evening.
- OBEDIENCE: Establish the
password of please. When you ask a child to do something, say please. His
trigger response word is "Yes, Mother" or "Yes,
Father." When a child doesn't obey, or forgets the response word,
say, "Let's start over." Ask him again, emphasizing please. If
he still does not obey and say, "Yes, Mother," send him to his
room.
Add provisions for "repentance." This is a good
opportunity to teach children the powerful values (and skills) of asking for
and giving forgiveness. Once family laws are established, along with rewards
and punishments, add the principle of repentance. Teach small children that
repentance consists of saying you're sorry for a specific thing, asking for
forgiveness, and promising that you'll try never to do it again.
Try to use repentance rather than punishment wherever possible. Let children
avoid sitting on the fighting bench if they repent to each other, or avoid
going to their room if they say they are sorry for not obeying and quickly
rectify the situation.
Set the example. Show that justice and mercy are your values and that you,
too, are trying to repent and forgive. When you make a mistake, lose your
temper, fail to meet one of your responsibilities that involve a child, and so
forth, make an obvious point of apologizing to the child and asking his
forgiveness.
Strive to be viewed by your child not as one who is perfect but as one who
is really trying to do better.
Be fair and consistent, but also tender and merciful. Again, teach this
value by example. It is important to try to let neither rewardable behavior nor
punishable behavior go unnoticed. Try to be consistent. On the other hand,
don't make "quick justice" your whole goal. Always opt for repentance
and forgiveness first, and only resort to punishment (showing your regret that
it is necessary).
"Parenting-by-Objective"
Review the activities and stories that go along with this month’s value.
Make sure everyone in your family understands the value so they can see how
they can apply it in their own lives and situations.
Talk about the Monthly Value every morning and remind your family to look
for opportunities to use the value throughout the day. They may also observe
how others don't understand the value. Get your children to share their
experience with the value each day at the dinner table or before you go to bed.
Be sure to share your experience each day as well. It will help your children
know that you are thinking about the value too.