Parenting Value: Respect vs Ego

Value of Unselfishness & Sensitivity

Richard and Linda Eyre

Parenting Value: Respect, not Ego

More respect for others, less egocentric. Becoming more extra-centered and less self-centered. Learning to feel with and for others. Empathy, tolerance, brotherhood. Sensitivity to needs in people and situations.

Methods for Teaching Children Respect vs being egocentric


Introduction

Some children have a natural and seemingly inherent sense of caring and sensitivity. Such cases are rather rare, however, and the self-centered "surrounded by mirrors" perspective of life is typical of most children, particularly adolescents. In fact most of the problems teenagers face (whether taking the form of rebellion or of extreme shyness and withdrawal) stem from their rather intense preoccupation with self. 

Nevertheless, children can begin to learn sensitivity and unselfishness at a very young age, and they should learn it as a skill and a capacity as well as a value. 

Children have difficulty empathizing and applying their own feelings to others. A child can feel crushed one day because Jimmy didn't invite him to his birthday party and the next day forget to include someone who looks lonely in the basketball game at recess. Adolescents love to borrow clothes, but many hate to lend them and often forget to return them or to "repair the damage." It takes real effort on the part of parents and sometimes a very long time for most children to realize that the world does not revolve around them, that others' feelings are crucial and that there is a great deal to be learned from giving up something they really want for the sake of someone else. 

General Guidelines
Give responsibility. Try to bring out your children's appreciation and empathy for the difficulties and challenges of others. A recent Harvard study pointed up an interesting connection between how much responsibility children were given and their tendencies to be altruistic and extra-centered. Apparently children who are given everything but responsibility not only become spoiled but actually tend to begin to lose their sense of caring and concern. 

During this month reemphasize and redefine the responsibilities you give your children and the dependability you expect of them. Discuss, whenever you get the chance, the responsibilities that others have and how we must be sensitive to the burdens other people have. 

Teach by example and active listening. Show children the attitude of empathy and the kinds of sensitivity that you want them to mirror. Try to make your own listening and caring more obvious. One way to do this is "active listening." Instead of the normal parental tendencies of directing, managing, and interrogating children, try to really hear what children say. Paraphrase back to them what they have said in a way that reassures them that you heard what they said, have understood it, and are concerned about it. This technique is sometimes also called Rogerian technique after Carl Rogers, the pioneering psychologist who found that people of any age will tell you more if you listen rather than ask. 

The practice of active listening will, in addition to encouraging your children to say more to you, set a profound example of the kind of sensitivity you hope they themselves will develop.
Say, "I'm sorry." Show your children your sensitivity and help them feel sensitive toward you. Whenever you have made a mistake or misjudgment or even been a little insensitive to a child's needs (through your own busy-ness, preoccupation, etc.), go to the child and say you're sorry for not being more in tune and sensitive to what they were worried about or needed. 

Make an effort to tell your children how the things they do make you feel. This will help children be more aware of your feelings and be more sensitive toward them. If a teenager tells you that you are weird, tell him that that hurts your feelings. Sometimes children think of parents as people on whom they can vent their feelings without making a dent. Tell them not only the hurtful things but the positive things. For example, "It makes me feel so happy when I see you cleaning things up without being asked or helping your little brother with his homework." 

Remember that unselfishness does not come naturally. Try to maintain your patience as you implement this "month." Everyone, although in varying degrees, is born with a certain amount of selfishness. There is no quick fix for learning to be unselfish. It is a process that takes thinking and practicing and a certain amount of maturity to develop. 

Praise. Reinforce -- and cause repetition of -- unselfish behavior. Heap praise on signs or symptoms or even brief glimpses of unselfishness in children of any age! Let's face it, an act of simple sharing in children -- particularly small ones -- is cause for genuine celebration. And it also calls for praise and recognition. When a child shares, or gives, or sees and responds to needs in another, praise him, pick him up and hug him, and point out what he's just done to anyone else who is around.
  "Parenting-by-Objective"
Review the activities and stories that go along with this months value. Make sure everyone in your family understands the value so they can see how they can apply it in their own lives and situations.

Talk about the Monthly Value every morning and remind your family to look for opportunities to use the value throughout the day. They may also observe how others don't understand the value. Get your children to share their experience with the value each day at the dinner table or before you go to bed. Be sure to share your experience each day as well. It will help your children know that you are thinking about the value too.

Parenting Value: Justice and Mercy

Dinner Topics for Thursday

From Richard and Linda Eyre

Justice & Mercy

Obedience to law, fairness in work and play. An understanding of natural consequences and the law of the harvest. A grasp of mercy and forgiveness and an understanding of the futility (and bitter poison) of carrying a grudge.
Introduction
Justice and mercy -- these words seem too abstract, multifaceted, maybe even too religious for children to understand. Yet when they are broken down into their simplest form, they are the basic values for every household -- the values around which everything else revolves.

There is both security and unity in the justice and fairness that exists in the home. The beginning lies in the developing of clear family laws and providing for repentance and apology as well as for consistent justice. 

Perhaps the two most important things we've ever learned in our family about justice and mercy were taught to us by our oldest daughter as she was growing up. The first lesson came when she was about seven. We had tried to set up some "family laws" for her and her five-year-old sister. We had done so democratically by asking them to suggest laws. We wrote their suggestions on a list, along with our own and ended up with twenty-four family laws, ranging from "don't hit anyone" to "don't plug in plugs."

____________

One Sunday seven-year-old Saren came home from Sunday School with a suggestion. "Dad and Mom," she said, "I think we've got way too many laws. I can't even remember half of them. I learned today that Heavenly Father only gave us ten laws! We need to simplify!" 

And simplify we did. We worked our list down to five one-word laws that each child knew and understood; we connected them with natural-consequence punishments, and we felt that we at least were beginning to teach the value of justice in our family. 

About three years later this same oldest daughter, now ten, reminded us, of the other principle that needs to go hand in hand with justice. Again it was Sunday, and again we had just returned from Sunday School. One of her little brothers had become angry with his sister and pushed her down. We were in the process of administering the punishment of sending the boy to his room, but Saren noticed the look on his face, which said he was sorry for what he'd done and concerned that he had hurt his sister. "You know, Dad," Saren said, "if someone is sorry and wants to apologize and promise not to do it again, he shouldn't have to have the punishment. In the Bible they call it repenting." -- Richard

_______________

Saren was right of course. One reason for repentance is to avoid punishment. And more is often learned from repenting than from being punished. Our five family laws now carry provisions for repentance and thus give us frequent opportunities to learn the two most difficult (and perhaps most important) skills of life -- namely to repent or improve and to forgive.
This value carries such importance -- and such relevance to our happiness. Children who learn to obey laws, to treat others fairly, and to be both repentant and forgiving can largely avoid the bitterness, the grudges, and the guilt along with the mental or physical imprisonment that are the consequences of not understanding or living the value of justice and mercy. 

General Guidelines
 
Set up simple family laws. This will help children know their limits and understand what is expected of them. It is best to do this in two "sessions." The first session is briefly to discuss with children the importance of laws. For example, there are government laws about stealing or cheating or hurting others. There are traffic laws that make it safer to be on the roads, and so on. We also need laws in our family so that we can be happier and so that everyone can know what is expected. Then ask the children for their input. What laws do they suggest? Make notes. Then tell them that you (as the parent or parents) will work on the laws and hold another family session when you are ready to discuss them. 

After you (as parents) have decided on your family laws, write them on a chart and hold a second family session to explain them. 

We suggest five simple, one-word laws that children can fully understand and easily remember:

• PEACE (no hitting, fighting, yelling, whining, etc.).
• PEGS (make a pegboard for each child, each with four pegs -- one representing family job, one for homework and practicing (if the child is learning a musical instrument), and one for evening things (room clean, teeth brushed, in bed on time). The law is to get each peg in each day.
• ASKING (don't go anywhere, invite anyone over, etc., without permission).
• ORDER (room straight, pick up after self).
• OBEDIENCE (do what parents say).

Discuss how each law makes family members happier.
Establish rewards to go with the keeping of each law and punishments to go with the breaking of each law. This helps children learn cause and effect and understand elementary justice.
Enhance the "payday" system for pegs by having a bonus for each of the other laws they have done well on keeping during the week (peace, asking, order, obedience). Adjust the payday reward system to match the ages and needs of your children. 

The main punishment for disobedience to the five family laws should be the absence of reward. On payday praise a child who did well and basically ignore (rather than chastise) a child who did poorly. 

Certain laws also need specific punishments. These should be as close to "natural consequences" as possible. Some examples and suggestions:

• PEACE: As discussed earlier, have a "repenting bench" where children who argue or fight have to sit until they can tell you what they (not the other child) did wrong.
• ASKING: If a child does something or goes somewhere without permission, then the answer should be "no" next time to remind him.
• ORDER: Other family members pick up a child's things and throw them on his bed. He has to put them away that evening.
• OBEDIENCE: Establish the password of please. When you ask a child to do something, say please. His trigger response word is "Yes, Mother" or "Yes, Father." When a child doesn't obey, or forgets the response word, say, "Let's start over." Ask him again, emphasizing please. If he still does not obey and say, "Yes, Mother," send him to his room.

Add provisions for "repentance." This is a good opportunity to teach children the powerful values (and skills) of asking for and giving forgiveness. Once family laws are established, along with rewards and punishments, add the principle of repentance. Teach small children that repentance consists of saying you're sorry for a specific thing, asking for forgiveness, and promising that you'll try never to do it again. 

Try to use repentance rather than punishment wherever possible. Let children avoid sitting on the fighting bench if they repent to each other, or avoid going to their room if they say they are sorry for not obeying and quickly rectify the situation. 

Set the example. Show that justice and mercy are your values and that you, too, are trying to repent and forgive. When you make a mistake, lose your temper, fail to meet one of your responsibilities that involve a child, and so forth, make an obvious point of apologizing to the child and asking his forgiveness. 

Strive to be viewed by your child not as one who is perfect but as one who is really trying to do better. 

Be fair and consistent, but also tender and merciful. Again, teach this value by example. It is important to try to let neither rewardable behavior nor punishable behavior go unnoticed. Try to be consistent. On the other hand, don't make "quick justice" your whole goal. Always opt for repentance and forgiveness first, and only resort to punishment (showing your regret that it is necessary).
  "Parenting-by-Objective"
Review the activities and stories that go along with this month’s value. Make sure everyone in your family understands the value so they can see how they can apply it in their own lives and situations.

Talk about the Monthly Value every morning and remind your family to look for opportunities to use the value throughout the day. They may also observe how others don't understand the value. Get your children to share their experience with the value each day at the dinner table or before you go to bed. Be sure to share your experience each day as well. It will help your children know that you are thinking about the value too.

Parenting Value: Unselfishness

Dinner Topics for Tuesday

Value of Unselfishness & Sensitivity

Richard and Linda Eyre
Becoming more extra-centered and less self-centered. Learning to feel with and for others. Empathy, tolerance, brotherhood. Sensitivity to needs in people and situations.

Introduction
Some children have a natural and seemingly inherent sense of caring and sensitivity. Such cases are rather rare, however, and the self-centered "surrounded by mirrors" perspective of life is typical of most children, particularly adolescents. In fact most of the problems teenagers face (whether taking the form of rebellion or of extreme shyness and withdrawal) stem from their rather intense preoccupation with self.
Nevertheless, children can begin to learn sensitivity and unselfishness at a very young age, and they should learn it as a skill and a capacity as well as a value.
Children have difficulty empathizing and applying their own feelings to others. A child can feel crushed one day because Jimmy didn't invite him to his birthday party and the next day forget to include someone who looks lonely in the basketball game at recess. Adolescents love to borrow clothes, but many hate to lend them and often forget to return them or to "repair the damage." It takes real effort on the part of parents and sometimes a very long time for most children to realize that the world does not revolve around them, that others' feelings are crucial and that there is a great deal to be learned from giving up something they really want for the sake of someone else. 

General Guidelines
Give responsibility. Try to bring out your children's appreciation and empathy for the difficulties and challenges of others. A recent Harvard study pointed up an interesting connection between how much responsibility children were given and their tendencies to be altruistic and extra-centered. Apparently children who are given everything but responsibility not only become spoiled but actually tend to begin to lose their sense of caring and concern.
During this month reemphasize and redefine the responsibilities you give your children and the dependability you expect of them. Discuss, whenever you get the chance, the responsibilities that others have and how we must be sensitive to the burdens other people have.
Teach by example and active listening. Show children the attitude of empathy and the kinds of sensitivity that you want them to mirror. Try to make your own listening and caring more obvious. One way to do this is "active listening." Instead of the normal parental tendencies of directing, managing, and interrogating children, try to really hear what children say. Paraphrase back to them what they have said in a way that reassures them that you heard what they said, have understood it, and are concerned about it. This technique is sometimes also called Rogerian technique after Carl Rogers, the pioneering psychologist who found that people of any age will tell you more if you listen rather than ask. 

The practice of active listening will, in addition to encouraging your children to say more to you, set a profound example of the kind of sensitivity you hope they themselves will develop.
Say, "I'm sorry." Show your children your sensitivity and help them feel sensitive toward you. Whenever you have made a mistake or misjudgment or even been a little insensitive to a child's needs (through your own busy-ness, preoccupation, etc.), go to the child and say you're sorry for not being more in tune and sensitive to what they were worried about or needed.
Make an effort to tell your children how the things they do make you feel. This will help children be more aware of your feelings and be more sensitive toward them. If a teenager tells you that you are weird, tell him that that hurts your feelings. Sometimes children think of parents as people on whom they can vent their feelings without making a dent. Tell them not only the hurtful things but the positive things. For example, "It makes me feel so happy when I see you cleaning things up without being asked or helping your little brother with his homework."
Remember that unselfishness does not come naturally. Try to maintain your patience as you implement this "month." Everyone, although in varying degrees, is born with a certain amount of selfishness. There is no quick fix for learning to be unselfish. It is a process that takes thinking and practicing and a certain amount of maturity to develop. 

Praise. Reinforce -- and cause repetition of -- unselfish behavior. Heap praise on signs or symptoms or even brief glimpses of unselfishness in children of any age! Let's face it, an act of simple sharing in children -- particularly small ones -- is cause for genuine celebration. And it also calls for praise and recognition. When a child shares, or gives, or sees and responds to needs in another, praise him, pick him up and hug him, and point out what he's just done to anyone else who is around.
  "Parenting-by-Objective"
 
Review the activities and stories that go along with this months value. Make sure everyone in your family understands the value so they can see how they can apply it in their own lives and situations.

Talk about the Monthly Value every morning and remind your family to look for opportunities to use the value throughout the day. They may also observe how others don't understand the value. Get your children to share their experience with the value each day at the dinner table or before you go to bed. Be sure to share your experience each day as well. It will help your children know that you are thinking about the value too.

Parenting Value: Loyalty

Dinner Topics for Tuesday

 

Loyalty & Dependability

By Richard and Linda Eyre

Loyalty to family, to employers, to country, church, schools, and other organizations and institutions to which commit- ments are made. Support, service, contribution. Reliability and consistency in doing what you say you will do.

Introduction

Our two adolescent daughters learned and then put into practice a simple lesson on loyalty one week. They had planned a surprise farewell party in our home for one of their friends who was moving out of the area with her family. On the day of the party three of the girls who had accepted invitations called and, with very flimsy excuses, said they wouldn't be able to come. Our girls, who had decorated and planned for the party for some time, were first disappointed, then a little angry. "They just had something better come up," one daughter complained. "Now we won't have enough people to play some of the games." "It's inconsiderate," said the other daughter. "In fact, it's disloyal and undependable."

Later that week they got invited to a party -- one that they very much wanted to attend. But the party was on the night of the regular meeting and rehearsal of an organization they belonged to, which was preparing for a production. There was no question about where they would have rather gone -- but there also was no question about the loyal and dependable thing to do.

"Parenting-by-Objective"

Review the activities and stories that go along with this months value. Make sure everyone in your family understands the value so they can see how they can apply it in their own lives and situations.

Talk about the Monthly Value every morning and remind your family to look for opportunities to use the value throughout the day. They may also observe how others don't understand the value. Get your children to share their experience with the value each day at the dinner table or before you go to bed. Be sure to share your experience each day as well. It will help your children know that you are thinking about the value too.