Dinner Topics for Wednesday
Parenting Value for April: Empathy
Value of Unselfishness & Sensitivity
Becoming more extra-centered and less self-centered.
Learning to feel with and for others. Empathy, tolerance, brotherhood.
Sensitivity to needs in people and situations.
Introduction
Some children have a natural and seemingly inherent sense of
caring and sensitivity. Such cases are rather rare, however, and the
self-centered "surrounded by mirrors" perspective of life is typical
of most children, particularly adolescents. In fact most of the problems
teenagers face (whether taking the form of rebellion or of extreme shyness and
withdrawal) stem from their rather intense preoccupation with self.
Nevertheless, children can begin to learn sensitivity and
unselfishness at a very young age, and they should learn it as a skill and a
capacity as well as a value.
Children have difficulty empathizing and applying their own
feelings to others. A child can feel crushed one day because Jimmy didn't
invite him to his birthday party and the next day forget to include someone who
looks lonely in the basketball game at recess. Adolescents love to borrow
clothes, but many hate to lend them and often forget to return them or to
"repair the damage." It takes real effort on the part of parents and
sometimes a very long time for most children to realize that the world does not
revolve around them, that others' feelings are crucial and that there is a
great deal to be learned from giving up something they really want for the sake
of someone else.
General Guidelines
Give responsibility. Try to bring out your children's
appreciation and empathy for the difficulties and challenges of others. A
recent Harvard study pointed up an interesting connection between how much
responsibility children were given and their tendencies to be altruistic and
extra-centered. Apparently children who are given everything but responsibility
not only become spoiled but actually tend to begin to lose their sense of
caring and concern.
During this month reemphasize and redefine the
responsibilities you give your children and the dependability you expect of
them. Discuss, whenever you get the chance, the responsibilities that others
have and how we must be sensitive to the burdens other people have.
Teach by example and active listening. Show children
the attitude of empathy and the kinds of sensitivity that you want them to
mirror. Try to make your own listening and caring more obvious. One way to do
this is "active listening." Instead of the normal parental tendencies
of directing, managing, and interrogating children, try to really hear what
children say. Paraphrase back to them what they have said in a way that
reassures them that you heard what they said, have understood it, and are
concerned about it. This technique is sometimes also called Rogerian technique
after Carl Rogers, the pioneering psychologist who found that people of any age
will tell you more if you listen rather than ask.
The practice of active listening will, in addition to
encouraging your children to say more to you, set a profound example of the
kind of sensitivity you hope they themselves will develop.
Say, "I'm sorry." Show your children your
sensitivity and help them feel sensitive toward you. Whenever you have made a
mistake or misjudgment or even been a little insensitive to a child's needs
(through your own busy-ness, preoccupation, etc.), go to the child and say
you're sorry for not being more in tune and sensitive to what they were worried
about or needed.
Make an effort to tell your children how the things they
do make you feel. This will help children be more aware of your feelings
and be more sensitive toward them. If a teenager tells you that you are weird,
tell him that that hurts your feelings. Sometimes children think of parents as
people on whom they can vent their feelings without making a dent. Tell them
not only the hurtful things but the positive things. For example, "It
makes me feel so happy when I see you cleaning things up without being asked or
helping your little brother with his homework."
Remember that unselfishness does not come naturally.
Try to maintain your patience as you implement this "month."
Everyone, although in varying degrees, is born with a certain amount of
selfishness. There is no quick fix for learning to be unselfish. It is a
process that takes thinking and practicing and a certain amount of maturity to
develop.
Praise. Reinforce -- and cause repetition of --
unselfish behavior. Heap praise on signs or symptoms or even brief glimpses of
unselfishness in children of any age! Let's face it, an act of simple sharing
in children -- particularly small ones -- is cause for genuine celebration. And
it also calls for praise and recognition. When a child shares, or gives, or
sees and responds to needs in another, praise him, pick him up and hug him, and
point out what he's just done to anyone else who is around.
"Parenting-by-Objective"
Review the activities and stories that go along with this
months value. Make sure everyone in your family understands the value so they
can see how they can apply it in their own lives and situations.
Talk about the Monthly Value every morning and remind your
family to look for opportunities to use the value throughout the day. They may
also observe how others don't understand the value. Get your children to share
their experience with the value each day at the dinner table or before you go
to bed. Be sure to share your experience each day as well. It will help your
children know that you are thinking about the value too.
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