Parenting Value: Kindness

The value of Kindness
& Friendliness

Becoming more extra-centered and less self-centered. Learning to feel with and for others. Empathy, tolerance, brotherhood. Sensitivity to needs in people and situations.
Richard and Linda Eyre

Introduction
Simple kindness and friendliness is a great human value. It involves parts of other values, such as the empathy of sensitivity and the boldness of courage, but it is a very separate and different value from these. This value is also partially an extension of the value of peaceability. In peaceability we try to teach children not to hurt and to avoid conflicts. Here we teach the positive side of being a friend, acting friendly and kindly, and becoming more polite and courteous.

Friendliness and gentleness also apply to self. Children who learn to be gentle and tolerant with themselves grow up to be less stressed and more relaxed and self-secure. 

Simple friendliness (based on our earlier-established criteria and definition of a value of something that helps others and diminishes hurt in others) is a profound value. Often a simple act of kindness or a word or two of extended friendship can change another person's attitude and mood for the rest of the day -- and longer.

In trying to teach kindness and friendliness to our children we once again realize that they are not lumps of clay to be molded as we choose, but seedlings -- already who they are -- ready to blossom if watered and fertilized and exposed to a lot of sunlight.

Wherever your children fit on the scale of natural kindness and friendliness to others, there is always room for improvement on this important value of life.

_____________________

A friend of ours told me a story that I thought illustrated how parents can be kind and friendly to their own children and thus improve the rapport and feeling between them.

He came home from work one day, went into his "private" bathroom, and found little five-year-old Lulu, who loves trying to clean things, holding an empty cleanser can and standing over a bathtub that was overflowing with soap suds onto the carpet. He nearly reacted the way most parents would have: "Lulu! You used way too much soap! You're ruining the carpet! You should never try to do things like this without help!"

But he had some especially tender feelings in his heart that day for Lulu, and he said, "Oh, Lu, you were trying to clean Dad's tub, weren't you?"

Little Lulu looked down and said, "But Daddy, I used way too much soap!" It was a tender, warm moment that ended in a big hug.

If the father had said, "You used way too much soap," Lulu would have said, probably with some bitterness or some hurt, "But Daddy, I was just trying to clean your tub!" It would have been an unpleasant, separating moment. -- Richard

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Sometimes we don't need to tell our children what they did wrong. They already know. If we are kind and gentle with them and come to their defense, they will say what we would have said, and the moment will be warm and the feeling will be right.

General Guidelines
Have a "gentleness and politeness" pact." This can create a mood of particular kindness and warmth in your home during this "month." Get together as a family as you start this month and discuss how pleasant a place the world is when people are kind and gentle. Ask the children to join you in a "pact of gentleness and politeness" for the month. Explain that this will mean a commitment of two "do's" and two "don't's."

Do's:

·  Be polite -- say, "please," "thank you," and "excuse me," and look for chances to extend acts of courtesy.

·  Smile and ask, "How are you?" Expect a real answer to the question and listen to it.

Don'ts:

·  Don't yell or raise your voice or be critical of another.

·  Don't say anything critical -- neither of someone else nor of yourself. (No "I'm so stupid" or "I can't do anything right.")

Talk frequently about how things are going, how people feel, how hard it is to remember, and so on.
Decide where your child stands in his natural abilities to be kind and friendly. Know what your challenge is with each child. There is nothing quite like the joy one feels as a result of kindnesses to those who really need and appreciate it, whether it be a good deed for one little old man across the street or kindness on a more grander scale. However, kindness and friendliness are never as easy as they sound. Some children show their insecurities by pretending to be popular but putting other children down in ways that are outright cruel, while other shrinking violets and painfully shy children spend all their time wondering why no one likes them. Others are genuinely well adjusted and naturally look for ways to be kind and friendly to those around them. Try to determine where your child fits in his natural abilities to be kind and friendly so that you know where to begin.

Teach by example. Give your children clear and specific models for friendliness, kindness, and politeness. This value is one that cannot be overdone. During the month be extra friendly and polite to everyone, including your children. Use "please," "thank you," and "excuse me" profusely. Say nice things. Practice Emily Post etiquette in everything from opening doors and holding chairs for women to setting the table in a proper and special way. Even help children with their own jobs. Smile a lot.
Watch children respond. Once they get over the suspicion that you're putting them on or rehearsing for a part in some play, they will begin to mirror what they see in you.

Teach your child the value of relationships, not only with friends but with family. This will increase their appreciation of close "blood" relationships. During an evening meal every few months take the time to reinforce the importance of having friends and being a friend. Foster and nourish the idea that even though outside friends are very important, the best friends they will ever have should be their brother or sister (as well as his or her parents). Childhood friends will come and go, but family members will last throughout life. Those friendships should be nurtured and treated with care. You could even try a private game among family members. When one child is persecuting another or arguing or calling names in a way that he would not think of doing with a friend, have the persecuted child say the word friend, which is a code word to the other child to lay off and begin treating him a little more like a friend. Although it may not work at the moment, it will help to raise the awareness of what they're doing. (The same game works for parents who talk to their children in less than glowing terms, or vice versa.) You could even suggest that when a child is angry or being rude to another family member, an onlooking child has a responsibility to walk up to the child being attacked, put his arm around him, and say, "Don't talk that way to one of my best friends."

"Parenting-by-Objective"
Review the activities and stories that go along with this months value. Make sure everyone in your family understands the value so they can see how they can apply it in their own lives and situations.
Talk about the Monthly Value every morning and remind your family to look for opportunities to use the value throughout the day. They may also observe how others don't understand the value. Get your children to share their experience with the value each day at the dinner table or before you go to bed. Be sure to share your experience each day as well. It will help your children know that you are thinking about the value too.

President Obama, Narcissism, and Psychology

Obama Psychology 101

Glenn Beck’s audience gets a Psychology lesson on President Obama from a caller.

Narcissism, by Michelangelo

Narcissism

Beck: Obama has a few predictable patterns: blaming George W. Bush, overspending, and making it all about him. In a 25 minute speech President Obama used the word ‘I’ 113 times – that’s once every 13 seconds. After hearing this, Steven (a psychologist from Indiana) called into the radio program to give Glenn and his radio audience a little lesson in Obama Psychology 101.

This morning on radio played an audio reel put together by CNS News – a compilation that highlights how much emphasis President Obama puts on himself, his opinions, and his beliefs in his speeches.

“He only said it [I] 113 times in a 25 minute speech,” Pat pointed out. “That’s only once every 13 seconds.”

“That’s incredible,” Glenn responded.

Glenn went on to point out that this is a personality trait with Obama, and pointed out the danger that it can lead to if the American people aren’t careful. Glenn noted that the main reason communism usually outlasts fascism is because fascism typically centers on the personality of the dictator – that can only last a lifetime. Communism tends to be about having a dictator. A dictator is replicable, a personality isn’t. Communists can create the illusion that everything is about the people. Glenn noted several examples of how a cult of personality has built around the President and the patterns history shows us repeating.

“Remember when he first, when he was first running?” Glenn asked. “Everybody was like, ‘Okay, let’s not put the seal on the edge of the desk and make it into yours?’ That’s why, when he did become the president elect, he decided that, “I can just change the seal of the presidency and make it the seal of the president elect of the United States.” I’ve never even seen that before. It’s why his followers put his face on our flag – you didn’t see that with Ronald Reagan. Did you see Ronald Reagan’s face on the flag when he was running? No. Of course not, because it was about America. It was about the workers. It was about the people. It was about the ideas. A good leader will never make it about him. He’ll make it about the ideas. Why would the 9/12 project outlast any other of these grassroots? If it would outlast, it would outlast because of the values and the principles. Make it about the values and the principles. Not the personalities. Not about the election, not about let’s get this guy out, but the values and principles. The values and principles are the only thing that will ever last. That’s not what this man is creating.”

Glenn pointed back to audio he played earlier in the show of Obama senior campaign advisor Robert Gibbs spreading lies about Mitt Romney in an interview with Candy Crowley on CNN. This administration knows that their followers are not going to look up the facts, and that’s all that really matters to them.

After hearing this, Steven, a psychiatrist in Indiana, called into the show and told Glenn and his listener how well known this behavior is in the world of psychiatry – it would be too uncomfortable for Obama’s followers to find out their leader was lying to them.

“I agree with you that the truth is the heart of what we need to point out, but when the truth is not being told, what the people are telling from the Obama administration is, ‘You need to believe, believe, believe, believe. Believe me, I was just handed a can of worms that I couldn’t possibly turn the ship around in less than four years. I didn’t know how bad it was. Believe me.’ The word “believe” means there is no proof,” Steven pointed out. “He says the word “believe” more than any president I’ve ever hold, and I’m an old man, I think.”

“It’s disturbing how much he says ‘believe me’,” Glenn added, “and ‘trust me.’ I learned early on from my grandfather anybody who says ‘trust me, don’t trust them.’”

The caller also pointed out the other key factor about using terms like “trust” and “believe” is that they can’t be looked up.

“You cannot look up, “Is there a god.” I mean, if you use the truth and honesty and facts, I always say to people never let facts get in the way of a good argument but, you know, I mean, the fact is Jesus should never have been crucified. It was left up to the people. And the people at that time went with their gut. And that’s what’s happening with our country. We go more with the gut than we do the fact,” Steven said.

Next, Glenn put America on the psychiatrist’s couch. “We’re a patient. You know, the United States of America is a patient that walks into your office and says, ‘I believe in this guy. He’s not abusing me. He tells me he loves me.’ You as a shrink, how do you get them to see the truth and lead them there so they become a stronger person?” Glenn asked.

“It’s more personality, and that’s one thing that Romney has to get involved in is developing his personality that he becomes likeable,” Steven answered.

He [Steven] later added, “In going away from somebody who’s abusing you, you’ve got to first look at the fact that there is an alternative. Is there something else out there and why would it attract me. And so you’ve got to become attracted to the individual, the idea, and that’s what happened with Obama back in 2007 2008. Everybody got attracted to hope and change. Believe, you know. As you said, the use of the free election heel on his plane was a genius. It was almost like he was preordained to become our minister, our savior, our president. So he was a genius at psychology.”

Note: As Glenn pointed out, this is an example of personality cult. Some people, like Romney, don't have exciting or celebrity personalities, but they have better character. This is important to keep in mind. For a great study in character, read Being George Washington, by Glenn Beck. ~CD

Bible Study Topic: Leadership Skills

 

An important part of leadership is being able to control oneself. 

 

Following is the story of Sampson, who might have been a great leader if he had exercised better control of himself. In today’s society, this especially applies when an individual is vested with political power. The temptation to abuse it is great.

As Edmund Burke said,

“Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.”

Internal Government

Society cannot exist unless a controlling power upon will and appetite be placed somewhere, and the less of it there is within, the more there must be without.  It is ordained in the eternal constitution of things, that men of intemperate minds cannot be free.

~Edmund Burke

Samson was raised from infancy, prepared by diligent parents to fulfill a mission of liberating Israel from the Philistines. Instead, he is known in scriptural record as the epic hero who never was. On the surface, the Biblical account of Samson looks rather amusing. That Samson’s remarkable physical prowess was connected to the length of his hair reads almost like one of Grimms’ fairy tales. The fact is, the length of Samson’s hair was only one outward manifestation of the Nazarite vows he had taken. The immense strength was a spiritual gift, contingent on his faithfulness to the Nazarite discipline.

Samson failed to develop the necessary self-discipline to merit the spiritual gifts he had been blessed with. As he became boastful, and trusted in his own strength rather than giving glory to God, Samson one by one broke all his vows. He indulged his selfish passions and appetites, including marrying out of the covenant with an immoral Philistine woman. He did not think anything through; his behavior was driven by his feelings.

When he trivialized the source of his strength by playing games with the Philistine Delilah, this represented the final breakdown of his discipleship to God.

She pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death. (Judges 16:16)

At some point, most of us can probably relate to having experienced this kind of pressure from someone else. Samson’s failure came first from dallying so much with sin and temptation. He constantly surrounded himself with it. Is it any wonder that he finally broke when he was pestered long enough?

Samson’s lack of internal government caused his personal downfall and deprived his nation of liberating leadership.

One may also be pressured when trying to do something right. Even then, it is easy to react in anger, fear, or foolishness.

The “wise man who builds his house upon a rock” knows that true freedom comes from acting by choice rather than being acted upon.

“Discipline” is defined as “training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character.” Simple, brute-strength “will power” is not mentioned. Because the natural man rarely has sufficient “will power,” the “wise man” trains, molds, and corrects himself on a daily basis. It is a building process— on rock. No shortcuts.

The wise man looks ahead, constructing his house to stand independently of forces that tear down and undo his work. Day by day, a step at a time, he schools his feelings, delays gratification, and subordinates foolish impulses to the larger character he is capable of. The less he indulges himself, the more substance he has, and the less room in his life for that which would cause irreparable downfall.

The builder’s to-do list might include practicing courteous actions rather than angry reactions. Discussing and using peaceful resolutions to conflict and misunderstanding. Using moderation in appetites and showing appreciation for the gifts and services of others. Teaching wisdom and order. All these seemingly small things make up the firm inner structure that can withstand incessant adverse elements and bring enduring peace of mind.

 Copyright 210 (c)  by Christine A. Davidson

Epic Stories for Character Education, p.39

Praying Hands: A Story of Inspiration

Praying Hands: A Story of Inspiration 

Late in the fifteenth century, two young and zealous wood-carving apprentices in France confided in each other their craving to study painting. Such study would take money and both Hans and Albrecht had none. Their joint solution was to have one work and earn money while the other one studied. When the lucky one became rich and famous, he would work and aid the other one. They tossed a coin and Albrecht won. Albrecht quickly went to Venice to study painting while Hans worked as a blacksmith.

After many hard years, at last Albrecht returned home as an independent master. Now it was his turn to help Hans. However, when Albrecht looked at his friend, tears welled in his eyes. Only then did he discover the extent of his friend’s sacrifice. The years of heavy labor in the blacksmith shop had calloused and enlarged Hans’ sensitive hands. Hans could never be a painter. In humble gratitude to Hans for his years of sacrifice, the great artist, Albrecht Durer, painted a portrait of the work-worn hands that sacrificed so much so that he might develop his talent. He presented this painting of praying hands to his devoted friend. Today, this master piece is a symbol of love and sacrifice and is familiar to millions of people throughout the world.

~Ellsworth Publishing Co.